being a step-mother

chellebtat · **Posted:** 09 Feb 2009 09:34

Please pray for me and my family---I am a step mother of 2 girls 12 yr old and 8 yr old. I went from bring 36 and single with a dog to a ready made family with alot of issues with the ex wife and grandparents. There is alot of negative things happeneing and it is causing problems with me and my husband. I need help with dealing with all of this because it is new to me and I have a tendency to have a bad temper and say things that I dont need to say....Im really trying but it seems like every time I turn around something else happends.

Thank you and God Bless....

2babies1momma · **Posted:** 09 Feb 2009 12:33

Wow it seems like I am an expert at this topic coming from a family of divorce. My father and mother have both been divorced twice and are now both remarried for the third time. I have no idea what it is like to be on the other side as the step-mother but I can tell you what it is like being the stepdaughter and hopefully help you into that role. First off learn the 5 love languages. I have it on cd but they also have a book, it's by Gary Chapman and you can find it at Mardels. That will teach you what the love languages of the children are and then just dive in. Personally mine is physical touch and gift giving. It might be a little uncomfortable at first if you are not a touchy person but for me a hug would go a long way. If I were to make you a card or something I would love a big fuss over it like it was the best thing you had ever recieved, because you might not know but I had put major thought into making it special to you. You couldn't imagine how many times I have given a gift and been totally crushed because the step parent couldn't care less. Anyway besides the specifics you really need to know how to love that person, and if your love languages were actual languages and you spoke English and she spoke chinese you guys aren't going to communicate very well. The next thing is to be completely united...never take the head role as disciplinarian but stand firm with your husband. Never let them see you disagree, if there is a disagreement make it private, expecially over issues with the kids. A child sees everything and you don't know how I could work my way into your argument and make it way worse, and kids are manipulative expessially going through the insecurities of divorce. Never take part in bashing the mother..even if the husband is all over that. You would think that one would be obvious but believe me it's not. Don't involve the kids in petty arguments between the divorced parents...EXPESSIALLY CHILD SUPPORT! It's just extra stress on the kids, and please just let them be kids. I could ramble on forever, this is an issue I am passionate about and I wish they did teach a class for parents. It sounds like your relationship with the mother is strained but the better you can be united with her the better you all can parent. Remember they didn't ask for any of this and it is very stressful going back and forth to different households. Good luck and if you ever need any advice (from the other side)...let me know.

Frugal Fraulein · **Posted:** 10 Feb 2009 12:30

My heart goes out to you. I am a step-mother to three, 10 year-old girl and two boys, 7 and 8. I also have two girls that are biologically mine, 7 and almost 9. John and I have been married for three years. It has been a tough three years but it has also been filled with more blessing than I could possibly have imagined.

2 babies speaks wisely concerning alot of the do's and do not's when dealing with broken and then blended families. Your main focus is the kids...not the ex, not yourself. What is best for the kids, that's what you do. Notice I did not say what the ex wants, or what is easier for you or what the kids want, but what is BEST for them. This means that sometimes you choose your battles, sometimes you walk away with a closed mouth and you sacrafice ALOT.

When my husband and I first married, things were tense. His wife was very irresponsible and selfish. Because of my husband's desire to be a great father, the ex would often take advantage. Calling to ask us to take the kids at the last minute, calling 20 minutes before she was supposed to pick them up to say she needed us to keep them. Calling and asking us to bring them home, when it was her turn to do the driving. All this sounds like little stuff but at the time it created alot of discord because we could not establish a stable routine. I was very inflexible and often spoke my mind. There were alot of worse issues which I will not air right now but basically, this is what God has shown me:

My stepchildren are much better off and more stable in our household than in their mother's. So the more time they can spend with us, the better. God showed me that I need to be flexible in my schedule and my agenda to accomodate for this because I may never know the fullness of the impact our home will have on the rest of their lives. He showed me that there are respectful and non-spiteful ways that I can hold their mother accountable without the kids ever feeling like they are not welcome in my home (which is also their home).

God revealed to me in very clear ways that this was not about me, what I wanted or what was easy for me but rather HIS plan for my life and these children. He brought me to this to serve a purpose in these children's lives and He would see me through it but it would take work and sacrafice on my part. He showed me that the more peace I could have with the ex, the more peace I would have with my husband. He showed me that when I give over my rights and stand behind my husband, my husband desires to stand behind me and stand up for me.

He showed me that while He has given me a very important role in my stepchildren's lives, I can never take the place of their mother. The children need to see me show respect for their mother. They should never hear me bash her, or talk down to her or about her. They should never feel the need to choose or like they are being disloyal to me or their mother in any way by loving us both.

My husband and I have very clear guidelines on discipline and decision making. While John is at work, I am overseer of the home and I handle all immediate issues (small decisions such as those that do not affect the family as whole, direct disobedience, disrespect, etc) as I feel led. If disciplinary issues continue or develop, I turn them over to him when he gets home and he handles it from then on. He's got my back so to speak. If it is a decision that will affect the family as a whole or when it comes to major issues like problems at school, destruction of property (namely writing on walls or committing kids crimes) or whatever, I never handle those on my own. I wait, we discuss it and hand down the decision or verdict as a team.

We do not criticize or judge the way things are done in the ex's home. We simple explain to the children that this is what God has shown us to do in our home. Their mother has to do what she feels is best. They are to honor her and obey her at all times even if it is different than our house and even if it doesn't seem right.

Yes, John and I still have disagreements and there can definitely be tension. But it is SO much less than when we started. And as he sees me really loving and sacraficing for his children, he loves me all the more. And he loves my girls FAR BETTER than their own father ever has or ever will. He is their true DADDY. I will be forever grateful to God for bringing us into this family.

FAST FORWARD to now......We all (John, myself, ex and her husband) now get along for the most part and we have all made a conscious decision and effort to co-parent the children together. Yes, there is still conflict, but it always gets resolved and much quicker now. And with time, there has become an unwritten set of guidelines we all go by. Yes, it's still hard but it's worth it.

There are many, many resources available to blended families. Get on-line and look around. Successful Stepfamilies is a good one to check into. It's very encouraging. Be careful not be become involved in a group that is constantly complaining or being negative. Try to find a site or group that will encourage and challenge you.

Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if I can help in any way. Sometimes it just helps to have someone to talk to.

jessicacpriddy · **Posted:** 12 Feb 2009 20:05

All I can say to you at this point, is I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL>>>>>

Although I already had a daughter, I married a man who had a son, with a crazy ex, and now we have a son together...
Talk about being a blended family...
We went through some really tough times.. and listen, when I say I lost my temper more than once ,,, I mean I LOST IT>> you know???

So, with that said, you are in our prayers.
Keep in mind that the person you are dealing with (the ex) may not know the Lord. That makes such a big difference when you look at it that way. Try to understand that your relationship with the Lord can change how you react and feel towards her,,, and when your hubby sees you acting differently,, he will as well.. trust me on this one,,, I know girl ,,, I know...

If it kills you inside,,, smile at her and say,,, ok. whatever...
Even if you don't say a word to her,,, smile at her and say to yourself,,, lord, I dont have to like her but I have to love her because you command us to love everyone ,, even our enemies.
Ask him to love her through you.. He will work wonders if you put your trust in him...
Just ask him to give you peace... and to help you control your emotions..
See emotions are crazy things... we cannot let them control us... we have to control them...
Also keep in mind,,, how it will look to the kids when they see step mom,,, behaving or reacting differently to their mother.... gonna make a big difference in the amount of respect they give...
you may not see it immediately,,, but it will happen.

We all love you and we are praying for you...

So,, all of my fellow consumer queen forum junkies....
Let's agree to pray for ( i don't know your real name) this lady, each morning call her name out to the lord and ask him to bless her with self control and a peace that passes all understanding.

Praying for you daily,
Jessica

Karen_Perea · **Posted:** 13 Feb 2009 00:29

I am the mother of three very handsome children. My two oldest now have a step mother. I can tell you not to follow in her footsteps. She has introduced herself as their mother, has tried to have them call her Mommy and has called me everything but a human being in front of the children. Those are things not to do.

On the other hand I sat my hubby down before we got married and laid down the law:
1. My kids come first. Understand that now. If you try and make me chose between them and you then you will lose.
2. Ever hurt my kids and you are done. I will have you in jail faster than you can blink and that will be for your protection from me!
3. My kids father is their father. Understand that NOW. He will always be a part of their lives and sometimes I will need to talk to him about them. We also may need to talk in person to go over things. You are more than welcome to come and chime in what you think. However, do not get mad if we do not follow what you say or think. No we are not trying to get back together. If I wanted him why would I be with you.
4. If you do not like my ex that does not matter. Do not call him names or say things about him while the boys are with us. If you cannot speak civilly with him for the few seconds he may be here picking up the kids or calling to ask to speak with them or me then kep your mouth shut. let me answer the phone or the door.
5. Bottom line is they are my kids and not your kids and while I love you and value your input the main decisions about their lives will be determined by me and their father.

I actaully told my hubby something along the lines of the above. I do not agree with somethings that my ex has done and I do not like somethings he has done and I have called DHS a time or two. However, I know deep down he loves the boys and wants what is best for them (although being with him may not be what is best for them--he just needs to realize that). Shoot we got divorced in 2002 and we are STILL fighting custody in court. We both want the kids 100% of the time and well unless we can clone them that is not possible. Right now we are week on and week off.

being a step-mother

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